Ollie!

So for my 25th birthday, last week, I got a 10 week old chion puppy (chihuahua and papillon). His name is Ollie and he is pretty much my whole world at the moment. For all of the horror stories I've heard from friends and family about potty training little dogs, I haven't had a problem at all, and he likes going outside (prefers it even). Also we've been doing some command training and he gives me his paw when I say "paw", which he learned in pretty much 2 minutes. Today we mastered the sit command in 1 minute! I swear I have the chion puppy genius! I'm very proud of him!!! Then again, his sire Xander is a smart cookie himself so his genes proved true, since his mother isn't as smart. 

Broken

We go through life searching for something, anything to complete us, make us feel whole. Some of us scoff at that, but it's true no matter how sub-conscious it may be for some. I have searched my whole life for that completeness, but have only had negative results and become more broken and bitter with every failed attempt. Perhaps my bitterness obscures my sight and reasoning, maybe I do need to start letting down my walls. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even at home, where you are supposed to feel safe and secure. My home life was stifling and dysfunctional (well it still is) and I felt nothing but oppression and despair. Sometimes I just want to scream "FUCK YOU" on the top of my lungs to be finally heard and not be immediately absorbed into the background. I hate being just like everyone else, so I always have this compulsion to be the different one and like different things, be different in general. I hate being threatened or someone holding something over my head, hey I've spent most of my life with that anyways. I'm just so sick of being this broken, bitter person! 


How long does it take you to get over a broken heart? Well with how things are going for me, I don't think that you ever truly can or do. A year ago I lost my grandmother (my mother for all accounts and purposes) and a month later the man I had finally let in broke things off with me. I was pissed for the longest time that he could do that to me after all he knew of the great loss that had happened just a month earlier. Then I realised that the reason it hurt me so bad was that I had fallen in love with him, but was too scared to ever acknowledge that or say it to him. Perhaps that was why he broke things off with me? I'll never know since I don't really want to know because the truth will probably hurt more. I have my good days, but my bad days are much more prevalent. No one ever notices or realises   this because I've mastered my mask (I mastered it long ago and no one has ever been able to see through it) and no one knows how devastated and broken I really am. I wish that I could open up and talk to someone, but my life has taught me how not to trust. I'm so sick of feeling this way! I'm so sick of playing the part due to things being held over my head or petty threats! I'm so sick of feeling so weak and fake! I'm so sick of having to sit down and take the shit that life throws at me! I'm sick of no matter how different I want to be, I never am far from the mold! I'm so sick of having to always censor my thoughts and opinions because people are morons and hate being called out on their shit! I'm just so sick and tired in general!!! GRRRR.... 


That's it for now,
~Ember Rose~ 

V-card to a woman

Rated Mature!!!! 


So every woman has the tale or story of how they lost their virginity, most will romanticize it to the point of self induced vomiting on the telles POV or others will over dramatize it as being terrible. Most woman look at their v-card being special and important to them. I honestly didn't give a shit about mine, in fact I wanted to lose mine asap just to get it over and done with. Perhaps a little of my inner rebel in that as well. I grew up in an uber religious family (catholic if you were wondering) and all I hear was abstinence this chastity that.... It was so annoying especially the fact that it was practically all on the woman. It was women's fault that men lusted, were tempted, fornicated, etc... It was hypocritical and very unfair, I hated it and I felt stifled and suffocated by the so called Christian morality! Seriously when it comes to sex as long as it is between consenting adults there is nothing wrong with it. 


I think I was 15 when I lost my v-card, although it could have been 14. Anyways it was the summer before my freshman year in high school. I was an early bloomer as well by then, I think I was already a small c cup, but anyways... His name was Jon (name changed for anonymity) he was a neighbourhood boy, older of course I think he was 16 and he had sort of a bad reputation. No teenage girl can resist the misunderstood bad boy! He had liquor of course and we drank together, I forget whose idea it was but he started kissing me (which wasn't bad as first kisses go anyways) and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex in his backyard. Looking back now my only regret was not using protection, we were wasted so it didn't cross my mind. Ladies we should always take charge of our sexual health and be on or carry some sort of contraception. Luckily nothing resulted of that little lapse of judgement. Now I know that we all hear the horror stories of how painful it was and how our partners last like 5 seconds. Mine didn't hurt at all, it was a little uncomfortable at first but not painful. Jon thankfully lasted maybe 5-6 minutes which is better than most first times. Now this wasn't headed to a relationship or anything and I didn't romanticize it or play the extra needy ex-virgin. Sex is sex no matter how pretty you paint it. We hooked up a few more times after that, using condoms after our little oopsie of course. After that the flood gates opened and sexuality was just another field for me to conquer. When it comes to sex I am much like a guy, cock or pussy is just that cock or pussy. Oh by the way I am bi-sexual, found that out a year or so later after my v-card fumblings. I guess I can be a little cavalier when it comes to sex, I mean sex is easy in the long run, most men can back me up on that. Relationships on the other hand are complicated and messy, but they can be worthwhile. 


So maybe in high school I didn't have a squeaky clean reputation, I never wanted one in the first place. In fact I hated and still hate the goody two shoes assumptions. I hate the colour white because it reminds me too much of chastity and abstinence lectures, and it also is just too pure, too innocent. Not that their is anything wrong with innocence, children are a great example of that and I love kids and believe in preserving that innocence that they have. Anyways I guess my original point was that losing my v-card was no big deal for me and that the whole perfect first time fantasies and cliches are just that!!! 


That's it for now. 
~Ember Rose~ 

What's the word for constant sacrifice?

You know I've spent almost all my life sacrificing pieces of myself for others, always putting my dreams on the sideline in order to help my family out or because of other unplanned circumstances. Yet I am unappreciated and devalued because I'm not as successful as others in their lives. I mean hello wake up where were you when your mother/mother in law was so sick from chemo that she couldn't cook, clean, barely take care of herself let alone others. So I put my dreams and myself on the back burner to take care of her because I loved her and she really had no one else that could do so, not that her husband didn't try but he was brought up in a different time when men had different roles than the caretaker and emotional support. Why do I have to continue sacrificing myself for these people who really could care less for me than a piece of paper. I'll tell you why, I have no place to go and well like I said before I wasted so much of my life forsaking myself and my dreams. I love you really means nothing when it's used to justify things that aren't alright, and it means nothing when you overuse it to validate yourself. I'm just so sick of these people and I regret almost every last sacrifice I made for them. Sort of drastic to say when they are your own family and the people who are supposed to be the ones you love unconditionally and the same in return. 


I realised today that the step-dad monster is a big part in why I have issues with men, well besides my own betrayals from ex-lovers. Why should I trust a man when he will never respect me? Why should I trust a man when he will always treat me and talk to me and at me like I am a complete moron? Why should I trust a man when his arrogance means his ego needs to be stroked constantly and if not then there will be hell to pay? Why should I trust a man when hes uses and manipulates me to get what he wants out of a situation or from someone else? A lot of valid reasons to distrust men is the only thing that man has ever taught me/given to me. I hate how that man talks to me like he knows everything when in all actuality he knows very little. I hate that I am expected to be the one who always sacrifices her needs, wants, dreams.... 


Not a great day in the least, but that's it for now. 


~Ember Rose~ 

Life or Death...

We go through life never truly accepting that our existence is merely temporary. So when we are faced with death it hits us hard, like a mack truck going 60 mph in the wrong lane. We crumble when it happens to someone close to us, because we are a society of avoidance and our puritanical roots have caused us to fear death instead of accepting it as a cycle in all nature. Many societies in our world celebrate death and honour their dead and dying, for them death is only the next great adventure. Christians believed in reincarnation until one of the Christian Roman emperors did away with that belief, and we've been left with a constant fear and suppression of life itself because of what they believe comes after death. Personally I wouldn't classify myself as being Christian even though I was brought up a devout Catholic and I faked my way through a few years for someone I love. I don't believe that death is the end all for your soul so I guess that in some way I do believe in reincarnation to an extent. Anyways lets get off of Christianity for the moment (we'll save that for another post) since I could go on and on about my issues with that belief system. 


Last July I lost my grandmother (who was more of my mother than my own mother and one of my best friends) to a long battle with cancer. I remember being in the hospital with her towards the end and I was numb while everyone else fell apart around me. I guess in a way since I was one of the people who took care of her everyday and saw how fast she was deteriorating that I was more prepared for it. It took me a week before I was able to actually cry and then I was angry. I was angry that she didn't fight like she could have because she claimed that her god wanted her to suffer for others! She sort of gave up after that and wouldn't listen to any of us. I remember having dreams for months after in where I was just so angry with her and I would fight with her, while waking up I would be conflicted I guess is the best word. 


It's been 10 months since she passed and I'm stuck, stuck in a rut because I gave up so much for her and sacrificed so much to take care of her. I sacrificed my dreams and goals for the time because she needed me more, I sacrificed all of my relationships because I was detached in a way, I sacrificed many of my beliefs and opinions. After spending so many years sacrificing all of that I'm stuck, I'm paused because in all honesty I have no clue on how to move forward. I feel like I've dug myself a gigantic hole and there is little to no way out of it that I can currently find. In another sense I feel left behind with my friends and family because I had to give up so much and had to put myself on pause for the past few years. While they are getting ready to settle down into stable relationships with stable jobs, I haven't even finished with college yet and my love life is at an all time low, not that there is anything wrong with being single. I'm just so frustrated and I guess lost would be the best way to put it. Anyways that's it for now.


~Ember Rose~ 

Am I really that jaded??

I don't know what made me stop and reflect on my love life these past few years or so, but whatever it was really caused me to wake up. Now I'm not the girl who needs a person to validate me to make me feel like I am worthy or that I matter, but subconsciously I've allowed the biggest douche bag of all men from 8 years ago taint and haunt me to this very day. Now before you pass judgement and say that I'm being petty or pathetic, because well it does sort of sound like that. 

I was a sophomore in high school and had just entered my first long term relationship with "James" (names are changed to protect identities), we were together for almost a year. I easily feel in love with "James" and gave our relationship my all, even to the extent of losing a bit of myself in the process of doing so. "James" wasn't my first, but he was my first love, someone I trusted with everything I had. Now "James" was always a bit of a flirt with the ladies, which really didn't bother me all that much since he was just looking. Towards the end of our relationship he was distant and often times very standoffish with me, like he had lost interest. As it turns out, our whole relationship was a lie since he was using me to snare my best friend "Charlotte" and show her that he could be a good boyfriend. I was nothing, but a pawn or toy to him. In the end he came clean with me and told me that he never loved me, that I was always just a means to his ends. I was devastated, shattered and had no idea how to deal. Around 3 months later "Charlotte" my confidante, the one who kept me afloat started distancing herself from me. At first I thought that I was just being too much of a downer and so needy with her so I started to try to be more upbeat for her, but that didn't change things at all. It wasn't until I think 3 weeks later that I found her and "James" making out in front of our locker. I was betrayed by the two people I trusted most and loved. Internally I fell apart at the seams, but on the outside I became bitter and vindictive. He had already taken too much from me so I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me break apart and at that point she was dead to me. I came out of it a changed person and the Ember Rose (pen name) I was before was dead and in it's place was someone colder and bitter. 

They got married to each other earlier this year, I know because I received their wedding invite in the mail begging me to attend so that we could catch up... Lets just say that I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around for awhile after receiving it. Looking back on all of my relationships since then almost sickens me, because I never allowed myself to let the other in or allow myself to become too involved. At the first sign of these relationships becoming more serious and committed I unintentionally sabotaged myself in them. I've allowed so many great people slip through my fingers and it's so sad. I allowed someone that I had loved without me realising it until it was too late slip through my fingers, and I messed things up so badly between us that there is no hope of an us being there again. It took me awhile to realise that what we had was love because I had let myself become so emotionally unattached, who does that? 

Evidently me it seems. In a way I'm pissed at myself that it has taken me almost 9 years to recognise this pattern and problem. I hate that I've let a man make me feel so bitter and cynical. I hate that he still affects me to this day and seems to have some sort of hold still on me! However today I am making a vow unto myself that I will no longer allow him to affect me, sully me and my relationships. Sometimes a wake up call is really something that we need to have to realise a problem or make a much needed change. I'm also making another self vow that I will no longer look for easy relationships or the easy way out of relationships that make it to that more committed stage. 

Well that's it for now.

~Ember Rose~