Life or Death...

We go through life never truly accepting that our existence is merely temporary. So when we are faced with death it hits us hard, like a mack truck going 60 mph in the wrong lane. We crumble when it happens to someone close to us, because we are a society of avoidance and our puritanical roots have caused us to fear death instead of accepting it as a cycle in all nature. Many societies in our world celebrate death and honour their dead and dying, for them death is only the next great adventure. Christians believed in reincarnation until one of the Christian Roman emperors did away with that belief, and we've been left with a constant fear and suppression of life itself because of what they believe comes after death. Personally I wouldn't classify myself as being Christian even though I was brought up a devout Catholic and I faked my way through a few years for someone I love. I don't believe that death is the end all for your soul so I guess that in some way I do believe in reincarnation to an extent. Anyways lets get off of Christianity for the moment (we'll save that for another post) since I could go on and on about my issues with that belief system. 


Last July I lost my grandmother (who was more of my mother than my own mother and one of my best friends) to a long battle with cancer. I remember being in the hospital with her towards the end and I was numb while everyone else fell apart around me. I guess in a way since I was one of the people who took care of her everyday and saw how fast she was deteriorating that I was more prepared for it. It took me a week before I was able to actually cry and then I was angry. I was angry that she didn't fight like she could have because she claimed that her god wanted her to suffer for others! She sort of gave up after that and wouldn't listen to any of us. I remember having dreams for months after in where I was just so angry with her and I would fight with her, while waking up I would be conflicted I guess is the best word. 


It's been 10 months since she passed and I'm stuck, stuck in a rut because I gave up so much for her and sacrificed so much to take care of her. I sacrificed my dreams and goals for the time because she needed me more, I sacrificed all of my relationships because I was detached in a way, I sacrificed many of my beliefs and opinions. After spending so many years sacrificing all of that I'm stuck, I'm paused because in all honesty I have no clue on how to move forward. I feel like I've dug myself a gigantic hole and there is little to no way out of it that I can currently find. In another sense I feel left behind with my friends and family because I had to give up so much and had to put myself on pause for the past few years. While they are getting ready to settle down into stable relationships with stable jobs, I haven't even finished with college yet and my love life is at an all time low, not that there is anything wrong with being single. I'm just so frustrated and I guess lost would be the best way to put it. Anyways that's it for now.


~Ember Rose~ 

Am I really that jaded??

I don't know what made me stop and reflect on my love life these past few years or so, but whatever it was really caused me to wake up. Now I'm not the girl who needs a person to validate me to make me feel like I am worthy or that I matter, but subconsciously I've allowed the biggest douche bag of all men from 8 years ago taint and haunt me to this very day. Now before you pass judgement and say that I'm being petty or pathetic, because well it does sort of sound like that. 

I was a sophomore in high school and had just entered my first long term relationship with "James" (names are changed to protect identities), we were together for almost a year. I easily feel in love with "James" and gave our relationship my all, even to the extent of losing a bit of myself in the process of doing so. "James" wasn't my first, but he was my first love, someone I trusted with everything I had. Now "James" was always a bit of a flirt with the ladies, which really didn't bother me all that much since he was just looking. Towards the end of our relationship he was distant and often times very standoffish with me, like he had lost interest. As it turns out, our whole relationship was a lie since he was using me to snare my best friend "Charlotte" and show her that he could be a good boyfriend. I was nothing, but a pawn or toy to him. In the end he came clean with me and told me that he never loved me, that I was always just a means to his ends. I was devastated, shattered and had no idea how to deal. Around 3 months later "Charlotte" my confidante, the one who kept me afloat started distancing herself from me. At first I thought that I was just being too much of a downer and so needy with her so I started to try to be more upbeat for her, but that didn't change things at all. It wasn't until I think 3 weeks later that I found her and "James" making out in front of our locker. I was betrayed by the two people I trusted most and loved. Internally I fell apart at the seams, but on the outside I became bitter and vindictive. He had already taken too much from me so I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me break apart and at that point she was dead to me. I came out of it a changed person and the Ember Rose (pen name) I was before was dead and in it's place was someone colder and bitter. 

They got married to each other earlier this year, I know because I received their wedding invite in the mail begging me to attend so that we could catch up... Lets just say that I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around for awhile after receiving it. Looking back on all of my relationships since then almost sickens me, because I never allowed myself to let the other in or allow myself to become too involved. At the first sign of these relationships becoming more serious and committed I unintentionally sabotaged myself in them. I've allowed so many great people slip through my fingers and it's so sad. I allowed someone that I had loved without me realising it until it was too late slip through my fingers, and I messed things up so badly between us that there is no hope of an us being there again. It took me awhile to realise that what we had was love because I had let myself become so emotionally unattached, who does that? 

Evidently me it seems. In a way I'm pissed at myself that it has taken me almost 9 years to recognise this pattern and problem. I hate that I've let a man make me feel so bitter and cynical. I hate that he still affects me to this day and seems to have some sort of hold still on me! However today I am making a vow unto myself that I will no longer allow him to affect me, sully me and my relationships. Sometimes a wake up call is really something that we need to have to realise a problem or make a much needed change. I'm also making another self vow that I will no longer look for easy relationships or the easy way out of relationships that make it to that more committed stage. 

Well that's it for now.

~Ember Rose~