I was a sophomore in high school and had just entered my first long term relationship with "James" (names are changed to protect identities), we were together for almost a year. I easily feel in love with "James" and gave our relationship my all, even to the extent of losing a bit of myself in the process of doing so. "James" wasn't my first, but he was my first love, someone I trusted with everything I had. Now "James" was always a bit of a flirt with the ladies, which really didn't bother me all that much since he was just looking. Towards the end of our relationship he was distant and often times very standoffish with me, like he had lost interest. As it turns out, our whole relationship was a lie since he was using me to snare my best friend "Charlotte" and show her that he could be a good boyfriend. I was nothing, but a pawn or toy to him. In the end he came clean with me and told me that he never loved me, that I was always just a means to his ends. I was devastated, shattered and had no idea how to deal. Around 3 months later "Charlotte" my confidante, the one who kept me afloat started distancing herself from me. At first I thought that I was just being too much of a downer and so needy with her so I started to try to be more upbeat for her, but that didn't change things at all. It wasn't until I think 3 weeks later that I found her and "James" making out in front of our locker. I was betrayed by the two people I trusted most and loved. Internally I fell apart at the seams, but on the outside I became bitter and vindictive. He had already taken too much from me so I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me break apart and at that point she was dead to me. I came out of it a changed person and the Ember Rose (pen name) I was before was dead and in it's place was someone colder and bitter.
They got married to each other earlier this year, I know because I received their wedding invite in the mail begging me to attend so that we could catch up... Lets just say that I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around for awhile after receiving it. Looking back on all of my relationships since then almost sickens me, because I never allowed myself to let the other in or allow myself to become too involved. At the first sign of these relationships becoming more serious and committed I unintentionally sabotaged myself in them. I've allowed so many great people slip through my fingers and it's so sad. I allowed someone that I had loved without me realising it until it was too late slip through my fingers, and I messed things up so badly between us that there is no hope of an us being there again. It took me awhile to realise that what we had was love because I had let myself become so emotionally unattached, who does that?
Evidently me it seems. In a way I'm pissed at myself that it has taken me almost 9 years to recognise this pattern and problem. I hate that I've let a man make me feel so bitter and cynical. I hate that he still affects me to this day and seems to have some sort of hold still on me! However today I am making a vow unto myself that I will no longer allow him to affect me, sully me and my relationships. Sometimes a wake up call is really something that we need to have to realise a problem or make a much needed change. I'm also making another self vow that I will no longer look for easy relationships or the easy way out of relationships that make it to that more committed stage.
Well that's it for now.
~Ember Rose~
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