We go through life never truly accepting that our existence is merely temporary. So when we are faced with death it hits us hard, like a mack truck going 60 mph in the wrong lane. We crumble when it happens to someone close to us, because we are a society of avoidance and our puritanical roots have caused us to fear death instead of accepting it as a cycle in all nature. Many societies in our world celebrate death and honour their dead and dying, for them death is only the next great adventure. Christians believed in reincarnation until one of the Christian Roman emperors did away with that belief, and we've been left with a constant fear and suppression of life itself because of what they believe comes after death. Personally I wouldn't classify myself as being Christian even though I was brought up a devout Catholic and I faked my way through a few years for someone I love. I don't believe that death is the end all for your soul so I guess that in some way I do believe in reincarnation to an extent. Anyways lets get off of Christianity for the moment (we'll save that for another post) since I could go on and on about my issues with that belief system.
Last July I lost my grandmother (who was more of my mother than my own mother and one of my best friends) to a long battle with cancer. I remember being in the hospital with her towards the end and I was numb while everyone else fell apart around me. I guess in a way since I was one of the people who took care of her everyday and saw how fast she was deteriorating that I was more prepared for it. It took me a week before I was able to actually cry and then I was angry. I was angry that she didn't fight like she could have because she claimed that her god wanted her to suffer for others! She sort of gave up after that and wouldn't listen to any of us. I remember having dreams for months after in where I was just so angry with her and I would fight with her, while waking up I would be conflicted I guess is the best word.
It's been 10 months since she passed and I'm stuck, stuck in a rut because I gave up so much for her and sacrificed so much to take care of her. I sacrificed my dreams and goals for the time because she needed me more, I sacrificed all of my relationships because I was detached in a way, I sacrificed many of my beliefs and opinions. After spending so many years sacrificing all of that I'm stuck, I'm paused because in all honesty I have no clue on how to move forward. I feel like I've dug myself a gigantic hole and there is little to no way out of it that I can currently find. In another sense I feel left behind with my friends and family because I had to give up so much and had to put myself on pause for the past few years. While they are getting ready to settle down into stable relationships with stable jobs, I haven't even finished with college yet and my love life is at an all time low, not that there is anything wrong with being single. I'm just so frustrated and I guess lost would be the best way to put it. Anyways that's it for now.
~Ember Rose~
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