We go through life searching for something, anything to complete us, make us feel whole. Some of us scoff at that, but it's true no matter how sub-conscious it may be for some. I have searched my whole life for that completeness, but have only had negative results and become more broken and bitter with every failed attempt. Perhaps my bitterness obscures my sight and reasoning, maybe I do need to start letting down my walls. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even at home, where you are supposed to feel safe and secure. My home life was stifling and dysfunctional (well it still is) and I felt nothing but oppression and despair. Sometimes I just want to scream "FUCK YOU" on the top of my lungs to be finally heard and not be immediately absorbed into the background. I hate being just like everyone else, so I always have this compulsion to be the different one and like different things, be different in general. I hate being threatened or someone holding something over my head, hey I've spent most of my life with that anyways. I'm just so sick of being this broken, bitter person!
How long does it take you to get over a broken heart? Well with how things are going for me, I don't think that you ever truly can or do. A year ago I lost my grandmother (my mother for all accounts and purposes) and a month later the man I had finally let in broke things off with me. I was pissed for the longest time that he could do that to me after all he knew of the great loss that had happened just a month earlier. Then I realised that the reason it hurt me so bad was that I had fallen in love with him, but was too scared to ever acknowledge that or say it to him. Perhaps that was why he broke things off with me? I'll never know since I don't really want to know because the truth will probably hurt more. I have my good days, but my bad days are much more prevalent. No one ever notices or realises this because I've mastered my mask (I mastered it long ago and no one has ever been able to see through it) and no one knows how devastated and broken I really am. I wish that I could open up and talk to someone, but my life has taught me how not to trust. I'm so sick of feeling this way! I'm so sick of playing the part due to things being held over my head or petty threats! I'm so sick of feeling so weak and fake! I'm so sick of having to sit down and take the shit that life throws at me! I'm sick of no matter how different I want to be, I never am far from the mold! I'm so sick of having to always censor my thoughts and opinions because people are morons and hate being called out on their shit! I'm just so sick and tired in general!!! GRRRR....
That's it for now,
~Ember Rose~
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
V-card to a woman
Rated Mature!!!!
So every woman has the tale or story of how they lost their virginity, most will romanticize it to the point of self induced vomiting on the telles POV or others will over dramatize it as being terrible. Most woman look at their v-card being special and important to them. I honestly didn't give a shit about mine, in fact I wanted to lose mine asap just to get it over and done with. Perhaps a little of my inner rebel in that as well. I grew up in an uber religious family (catholic if you were wondering) and all I hear was abstinence this chastity that.... It was so annoying especially the fact that it was practically all on the woman. It was women's fault that men lusted, were tempted, fornicated, etc... It was hypocritical and very unfair, I hated it and I felt stifled and suffocated by the so called Christian morality! Seriously when it comes to sex as long as it is between consenting adults there is nothing wrong with it.
I think I was 15 when I lost my v-card, although it could have been 14. Anyways it was the summer before my freshman year in high school. I was an early bloomer as well by then, I think I was already a small c cup, but anyways... His name was Jon (name changed for anonymity) he was a neighbourhood boy, older of course I think he was 16 and he had sort of a bad reputation. No teenage girl can resist the misunderstood bad boy! He had liquor of course and we drank together, I forget whose idea it was but he started kissing me (which wasn't bad as first kisses go anyways) and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex in his backyard. Looking back now my only regret was not using protection, we were wasted so it didn't cross my mind. Ladies we should always take charge of our sexual health and be on or carry some sort of contraception. Luckily nothing resulted of that little lapse of judgement. Now I know that we all hear the horror stories of how painful it was and how our partners last like 5 seconds. Mine didn't hurt at all, it was a little uncomfortable at first but not painful. Jon thankfully lasted maybe 5-6 minutes which is better than most first times. Now this wasn't headed to a relationship or anything and I didn't romanticize it or play the extra needy ex-virgin. Sex is sex no matter how pretty you paint it. We hooked up a few more times after that, using condoms after our little oopsie of course. After that the flood gates opened and sexuality was just another field for me to conquer. When it comes to sex I am much like a guy, cock or pussy is just that cock or pussy. Oh by the way I am bi-sexual, found that out a year or so later after my v-card fumblings. I guess I can be a little cavalier when it comes to sex, I mean sex is easy in the long run, most men can back me up on that. Relationships on the other hand are complicated and messy, but they can be worthwhile.
So maybe in high school I didn't have a squeaky clean reputation, I never wanted one in the first place. In fact I hated and still hate the goody two shoes assumptions. I hate the colour white because it reminds me too much of chastity and abstinence lectures, and it also is just too pure, too innocent. Not that their is anything wrong with innocence, children are a great example of that and I love kids and believe in preserving that innocence that they have. Anyways I guess my original point was that losing my v-card was no big deal for me and that the whole perfect first time fantasies and cliches are just that!!!
That's it for now.
~Ember Rose~
So every woman has the tale or story of how they lost their virginity, most will romanticize it to the point of self induced vomiting on the telles POV or others will over dramatize it as being terrible. Most woman look at their v-card being special and important to them. I honestly didn't give a shit about mine, in fact I wanted to lose mine asap just to get it over and done with. Perhaps a little of my inner rebel in that as well. I grew up in an uber religious family (catholic if you were wondering) and all I hear was abstinence this chastity that.... It was so annoying especially the fact that it was practically all on the woman. It was women's fault that men lusted, were tempted, fornicated, etc... It was hypocritical and very unfair, I hated it and I felt stifled and suffocated by the so called Christian morality! Seriously when it comes to sex as long as it is between consenting adults there is nothing wrong with it.
I think I was 15 when I lost my v-card, although it could have been 14. Anyways it was the summer before my freshman year in high school. I was an early bloomer as well by then, I think I was already a small c cup, but anyways... His name was Jon (name changed for anonymity) he was a neighbourhood boy, older of course I think he was 16 and he had sort of a bad reputation. No teenage girl can resist the misunderstood bad boy! He had liquor of course and we drank together, I forget whose idea it was but he started kissing me (which wasn't bad as first kisses go anyways) and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex in his backyard. Looking back now my only regret was not using protection, we were wasted so it didn't cross my mind. Ladies we should always take charge of our sexual health and be on or carry some sort of contraception. Luckily nothing resulted of that little lapse of judgement. Now I know that we all hear the horror stories of how painful it was and how our partners last like 5 seconds. Mine didn't hurt at all, it was a little uncomfortable at first but not painful. Jon thankfully lasted maybe 5-6 minutes which is better than most first times. Now this wasn't headed to a relationship or anything and I didn't romanticize it or play the extra needy ex-virgin. Sex is sex no matter how pretty you paint it. We hooked up a few more times after that, using condoms after our little oopsie of course. After that the flood gates opened and sexuality was just another field for me to conquer. When it comes to sex I am much like a guy, cock or pussy is just that cock or pussy. Oh by the way I am bi-sexual, found that out a year or so later after my v-card fumblings. I guess I can be a little cavalier when it comes to sex, I mean sex is easy in the long run, most men can back me up on that. Relationships on the other hand are complicated and messy, but they can be worthwhile.
So maybe in high school I didn't have a squeaky clean reputation, I never wanted one in the first place. In fact I hated and still hate the goody two shoes assumptions. I hate the colour white because it reminds me too much of chastity and abstinence lectures, and it also is just too pure, too innocent. Not that their is anything wrong with innocence, children are a great example of that and I love kids and believe in preserving that innocence that they have. Anyways I guess my original point was that losing my v-card was no big deal for me and that the whole perfect first time fantasies and cliches are just that!!!
That's it for now.
~Ember Rose~
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