Broken

We go through life searching for something, anything to complete us, make us feel whole. Some of us scoff at that, but it's true no matter how sub-conscious it may be for some. I have searched my whole life for that completeness, but have only had negative results and become more broken and bitter with every failed attempt. Perhaps my bitterness obscures my sight and reasoning, maybe I do need to start letting down my walls. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even at home, where you are supposed to feel safe and secure. My home life was stifling and dysfunctional (well it still is) and I felt nothing but oppression and despair. Sometimes I just want to scream "FUCK YOU" on the top of my lungs to be finally heard and not be immediately absorbed into the background. I hate being just like everyone else, so I always have this compulsion to be the different one and like different things, be different in general. I hate being threatened or someone holding something over my head, hey I've spent most of my life with that anyways. I'm just so sick of being this broken, bitter person! 


How long does it take you to get over a broken heart? Well with how things are going for me, I don't think that you ever truly can or do. A year ago I lost my grandmother (my mother for all accounts and purposes) and a month later the man I had finally let in broke things off with me. I was pissed for the longest time that he could do that to me after all he knew of the great loss that had happened just a month earlier. Then I realised that the reason it hurt me so bad was that I had fallen in love with him, but was too scared to ever acknowledge that or say it to him. Perhaps that was why he broke things off with me? I'll never know since I don't really want to know because the truth will probably hurt more. I have my good days, but my bad days are much more prevalent. No one ever notices or realises   this because I've mastered my mask (I mastered it long ago and no one has ever been able to see through it) and no one knows how devastated and broken I really am. I wish that I could open up and talk to someone, but my life has taught me how not to trust. I'm so sick of feeling this way! I'm so sick of playing the part due to things being held over my head or petty threats! I'm so sick of feeling so weak and fake! I'm so sick of having to sit down and take the shit that life throws at me! I'm sick of no matter how different I want to be, I never am far from the mold! I'm so sick of having to always censor my thoughts and opinions because people are morons and hate being called out on their shit! I'm just so sick and tired in general!!! GRRRR.... 


That's it for now,
~Ember Rose~