Somewhere....

Love.... Is a constant in everyone's life that leaves and comes in like the ocean tides. I have loved many in my life, but unfortunately I have been burned and hurt by everyone I have given my heart away to. I'm not a bitter or cynical girl, but realistically love for me just doesn't seem to work. I have come to grips with that horrible hard truth, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I've had four people that I considered the "one" or loves of my life, but things always turned pear shaped before I could achieve my happily ever after. 


Jeremy, my first love. What a clusterfuck that relationship was. We were together for almost a year when he broke up with me for no apparent reason. Using the classic "it's not you, it's me" speech. Weeks later and incredibly heartbroken I find him and my best friend at the time flirting and acting like a couple. As it turned out he was using me the whole time to get closer to her and attract her attention, while I was just a good convenient shag. What a douche bag! Years later I get the invite to their wedding, like I would go near either of them with a 10 foot pole let alone go to their nuptials.... 


John, the passionate love. I found John at a time when I wasn't looking for anything serious or a commitment at all. John was the misunderstood bad boy who had a lot of demons but a heart of gold. It didn't take long for me to fall for him. Unfortunately John also had a very bad drug habit that started to escalate out of control and I couldn't stay with him any longer after some dangerous situations started to arise. I told him that I would go back to him if he quit the drugs. A  year later John died of an overdose and I found myself attending his funeral. I was devastated and truthfully I still am. I always thought that he would get clean and that we could have a second chance, unfortunately fate had other plans.... 


Leah, the I so didn't see it coming love. Leah and I started out as friends with some innocent flirting and what not. She was lesbian and I bi, but it didn't matter. Things between us moved a lot slower than the others did. I got to know Leah very well and I also got really close with her family. Being bi, I always thought that I would settle down with a man and have to quench my bi desires with porn or something. But for the first time I could see myself with Leah 10 years down the road and happy. Leah got into some financial troubles with her tuition and other things. She decided to go work at a gentleman's club, and while I wasn't that thrilled about her working their I accepted it. After working their for 2 months she started to pull away from me, and while I am not clingy or needy I knew that something wasn't quite right. I found out a month later that she had been sleeping with one of the other female performers. Yet another love cheated my heart. 


Brendan, the love I didn't know was a love until he was gone. Brendan and I had been flirtatious friends. Me being the more experienced in relationships and life, and he being slightly naive and  innocent. We would talk everyday for hours, and he was even there through the whole Leah debacle and the death of my grandmother. However since I had been burned so many times in love I was blase and never expressed myself to him or let him know that he had my heart. He gave me his heart, but I wasn't careful with it. I didn't know what to do with it, I was scared. After my grandmother died he started talking to me less and less. At the time I was so involved in my own grief that I didn't notice him slipping through my fingers. I knew I had hurt him so much by being so cold, so I let him slip away. He deserved that fresh break, he deserved someone better than me. I regret letting him slip away, I regret never realising that he had my heart. 


Despite all of this their is still a vague flicker of hope that I have someone out there somewhere. I don't want to end up alone.... 


~EmberRose~